


Overwatch Command Center

by Laeirel



Series: Chatfics [1]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, F/M, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont know what im doing anymore, M/M, Memes, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, bob x echo is cute af and ill stand behind it, chatfic, genji gets bullied, i keep changing these ships, jack is the true gamer, my attempt at comedy, one day ill be happy with them, so does liao, the day i learn how to add images is taking forever, when i say i wrote this instead of sleeping i mean i actually stay up until 1am typing this bs out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2020-10-25 03:36:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20717450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeirel/pseuds/Laeirel
Summary: Winston reopens the OCC for Overwatch.It goes as well as anyone would guess.





	1. welcome to hell

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Professionalism not Included](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12298326) by [zFzL4](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zFzL4/pseuds/zFzL4). 
  * Inspired by [tennis court](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20161135) by [cryingintheclub](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryingintheclub/pseuds/cryingintheclub). 

> Chatfics are great, there should be more of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to hell

**[WINSTON] reopened chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[WINSTON] added [HANA SONG], [LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [MAKO RUTLEDGE], [JAMISON FAWKES], [SATYA VASWANI], [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], [HANZO SHIMADA], [TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA], [ELIZABETH CALEDONIA ASHE], [BRIGITTE LINDHOLM], [HAMMOND] and [FAREEHA AMARI] to chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

WINSTON: Welcome to Overwatch's emergency center. This will only be for an absolute emergency. Please use it for that reason only.

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[ELIZABETH CALEDONIA ASHE] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] reentered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[HANA SONG] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

MCCREE: winston i thought you were supposed to be smart

WINSTON: Call this hopeful optimism, I believe we can make this work this time.

MCCREE: lmao sure  
MCCREE: and when it doesnt ill be sure to say i told you so

WINSTON: ...  
WINSTON: I will allow this.

ELIZABETH: What the actual fuck.  
ELIZABETH: I didn't sign up for this.

HANA: hi im sorry who the fuck are you

ELIZABETH: ...

**User [ELIZABETH CALEDONIA ASHE] changed name to [ASHE]**

HANA: ohh! youre jesses ex!

MCCREE: why the fuck would you think we ever dated?

HANA: because you always fight  
HANA: wait

**User [HANA SONG] changed name to [D.VA]**

D.VA: alright  
D.VA: now explain

ASHE: I don't need that traitorous prick.

MCCREE: i dont want ya anyways!  
MCCREE: i got hanzo!

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

HANZO: The cowboy is mine.

ASHE: Did I ask you who was whose?  
ASHE: No! Go back to your damn training!

WINSTON: ...

MCCREE: i told you so

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

HANZO: With the way you aim, you could use it.

ASHE: I don't see you calling the shots on missions.

HANZO: Because we're never on a mission with each other.  
HANZO: And I hope it stays that way.

GENJI: anija please  
GENJI: remember what zenyatta said

HANZO: ...

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

MCCREE: nice going ashe  
MCCREE: thats gonna be a great talk later

ASHE: You're welcome, traitor.

MCCREE: yknow what

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

ASHE: Fucking finally.

D.VA: LMAO!!

MERCY: If there is something you should know, it's that Jesse always gets his revenge.  
MERCY: Liao spent so many days in medical because of it.

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] reentered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

REINHARDT: If there is one person on this base you should be afraid of, it's Jesse.

ASHE: Oh, really? Because the Junkers seem more fearful to me.  
ASHE: _I'm _the one who taught him everything.

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

MCCREE: oh really? is that so?  
MCCREE: did you know the leader of deadlock also kept a diary like a teenage girl  
MCCREE: i have several excerpts from it   
MCCREE: especially the juicy ones where you wrote about tj fucking you

ASHE: !!!  
ASHE: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU FIND THAT?

GENJI: oh god not this shit again  
GENJI: @ZENYATTA ashe needs to learn about the iris

ASHE: The fuck is the Iris and why not me and Jesse?

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] entered chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

ZENYATTA: Hello, Miss Caledonia.  
ZENYATTA: Jesse has had several lessons with me already.  
ZENYATTA: As well as Hanzo.

MCCREE: GET FUCKED ASHE

ZENYATTA: Come to the garden.  
ZENYATTA: Me and Genji were about to start our meditation session.

D.VA: i am so lost

ASHE: ...  
ASHE: Fine.

ZENYATTA: I am pleased to see that we could come to a peaceful agreement.  
ZENYATTA: Now, let us embrace the Iris.

ASHE: Uh, ok?

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**[ASHE] left chatroom [OVERWATCH COMMAND CENTER]**

**User [GENJI SHIMADA] changed chatroom name to [EMBRACE IT BITCH]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left chatroom [EMBRACE IT BITCH]**

D.VA: did she really teach u everything?

MCCREE: nah reyes taught me shit too  
MCCREE: gotta go  
MCCREE: han challenged me to target practice

MERCY: Please refrain from doing anything stupid.

MCCREE: no promises

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [EMBRACE IT BITCH]**

MERCY: Why do I even bother?

D.VA: i need healing!

MERCY: No.

D.VA: ;P


	2. cowboys and anger issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lets get this road on the show

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MEI: Who is screaming?  
MEI: They need to stop, I can't concentrate like this.

MCCREE: that would be me  
MCCREE: ill stop when these kids give me my damn hat back  
MCCREE: or else

GENJI: u sound just like hanzo and its scaring me  
GENJI: stop spending time with him

MCCREE: no  
MCCREE: give me my fucking hat back

MERCY: Oh, no.  
MERCY: Whoever took Jesse's hat, return it now please.  
MERCY: I don't want another repeat of what happened 17 years ago.

MCCREE: well its gonna fucking happen if someone doesnt tell me where my damn hat is

D.VA: you think we took it?  
D.VA: we havent even seen you yet this morning

MCCREE: this aint funny  
MCCREE: seriously  
MCCREE: last time my hat went missing liao ended up in the medical wing for a month

WINSTON: I still think you overreacted.

MCCREE: only you would  
MCCREE: i told him not to touch my shit after the peacekeeper incident

TRACER: was that where liao told you jack took peacekeeper because you shot the ceiling down in the 3a gym?

MCCREE: yes  
MCCREE: jack let me beat his ass for that

GENJI: kinky  
GENJI: btw sora doesnt have it so we wont have a repeat of 2053

MCCREE: good  
MCCREE: i dont want to murder a dragon

**[JAMISON FAWKES] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**User [JAMISON FAWKES] changed name to [JUNKRAT]**

JUNKRAT: I SAW A COWBOY HAT BY THE SHOOTING RANGE A WHILE AGO

MCCREE: fucks sake  
MCCREE: @HANZO @ASHE @PHARAH

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[FAREEHA "PHARAH" AMARI] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

HANZO: What?

ASHE: I was about to wipe the floor with Robin Hood here.

MCCREE: scroll up

PHARAH: It-  
PHARAH: This sounds crazy,  
PHARAH: but it "ran" out of the gym to the lab.

MCCREE: youre fucking with me

HANZO: No I saw it, too.

ASHE: Whoever's got it is a fast little fucker.

MCCREE: fucking shit  
MCCREE: sorry yall go back to what you were doing

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[ASHE] left chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[FAREEHA "PHARAH" AMARI] left chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MCCREE: @TORBJORN @BRIGITTE @SATYA  
MCCREE: and mei

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] reentered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[SATYA VASWANI] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MEI: I haven't seen it, Jesse.

MCCREE: alright

**User [SATYA VASWANI] changed name to [SYMMETRA]**

SYMMETRA: Seen what?

MCCREE: my hat

TORBJORN: No.

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MCCREE: well

BRIGITTE: I haven't either, Jesse.

MCCREE: oh my FUCKING GOD

SYMMETRA: Have you asked Winston?

WINSTON: I already answered.

BRIGITTE: I can look around the armory with Reinhardt if you want.

MCCREE: please  
MCCREE: if i dont have it by noon someones gonna die

TRACER: this reminds me of when that one janitor moved it to the closet when he went to clean jesses room  
TRACER: angie had to revive him

MCCREE: that guy was an asshole  
MCCREE: im pretty sure he stole my cigars a couple times

GENJI: wait are u talking about joshua?  
GENJI: the guy with shitty blue highlights?

MCCREE: thats the fucker

GENJI: bitch stole my gummy bears once  
GENJI: almost stabbed him

MERCY: I'm glad he was fired.

WINSTON: I think we all were.

D.VA: WOW LMAO

**[LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

LUCIO: hey jesse?

MCCREE: holy shit did you find my hat?

LUCIO: um yeah  
LUCIO: its in the med wing

MCCREE: well whoevers there better pray i dont maim them and make them stay there

**[JESSE MCCREE] went idle**

LUCIO: guys its hammond

TRACER: rip hammond

D.VA: i knew we couldnt trust that hamster  
D.VA: his looks deceived us all

WINSTON: @HAMMOND  
WINSTON: We talked about this.

**[HAMMOND] entered chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MCCREE: IM GONNA FUCKING MURDER YOU  
MCCREE: I GET TO THE MED WING AND THE LITTLE SHIT RUNS AGAIN  
MCCREE: WINSTON I HOPE YOU WONT MISS YOUR MOON BUDDY THAT MUCH BECAUSE THE NEXT TIME I FIND HIM I WILL STEP ON HIM

HAMMOND: You can try, but you'll never catch me.

GENJI: holy shit  
GENJI: yeah hammonds gonna die

WINSTON: Please don't.

MCCREE: TOO FUCKING BAD  
MCCREE: _STEP RIGHT UP!_

**[HAMMOND] disconnected from chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

**[WINSTON] added [SOLDIER: 76] to chatroom [LOST HAT IF FOUND RETURN TO MCCREE]**

MCCREE: DONT FUCK WITH MY SHIT OR ELSE  
MCCREE: god its like blackwatch all over again

WINSTON: Is Hammond alive?

MCCREE: i may have anger issues winston but im not cruel  
MCCREE: i hit him with a flashbang and warning shots  
MCCREE: next time listen you dumbass hamster

WINSTON: Good to know.

GENJI: @SOLDIER: 76 welcome to hell

76: Why am I here?


	3. romancewatch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all the ships

D.VA: this is super important

MCCREE: somehow i doubt that

D.VA shut up it is  
D.VA: @EVERYONE  
D.VA: who are you dating

MCCREE: oh my god

D.VA: just answer the fucking question

MCCREE: hanzo obviously

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

**[TRACER] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

HANZO: Jesse.

TRACER: emily!

76: No one.

MCCREE: why lie?

76: I'm not?

MCCREE: you totally are  
MCCREE: if you arent then why do you avoid reaper on any missions?

76: I don't!  
76: I shot him!

D.VA: nah that was jesse

HANZO: It was a rather impressive shot.

MCCREE: aww thanks darlin!

D.VA: gay

MCCREE: shut up youre dating brigitte

76: I'm sorry, what?

TRACER: lmao rip hana

MCCREE: i dont know how that happened but yeah  
MCCREE: youre gonna die

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

TORBJORN: What is this I hear?  
TORBJORN: @BRIGITTE

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

BRIGITTE: Jesse!

MCCREE: hey blame hana  
MCCREE: she asked the question

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

SYMMETRA: _Junkrat and Mei have been in the closet in the lab for the past hour..._

**[JUNKRAT] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

JUNKRAT: JUST BECAUSE YOURE NOT DATING ANYONE DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN JUDGE US

MEI: Sorry, would you rather watch us instead?

SYMMETRA: No!

D.VA: 76 HUGGED REAPER

76: NO I DIDN'T!

MCCREE: LIES

HANZO: Let us ask the man himself.

TRACER: we cant he doesnt have a communicator

SYMMETRA: I am dating someone by the way.  
SYMMETRA: But I'd rather not fuck in front of my co workers.

D.VA: spill it

SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: @LUCIO

LUCIO: can yall chill like god damn  
LUCIO: also 76 and reaper are totally dating

D.VA: where the fuck have you been?

LUCIO: making music  
LUCIO: duh

HANZO: @GENJI Please stop we don't want to hear you.

GENJI: WE DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU EITHER  
GENJI: YOURE LOUDER THAN US

HANZO: BECAUSE YOU WONT GIVE EACH OTHER A FUCKING REST!

MCCREE: let it go sugar  
MCCREE: he aint worth it

HANZO: Can I just say one more thing?

MCCREE: shoot

HANZO: Genji has a daddy kink.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

LUCIO: HOLY SHIT

D.VA: LMAO

JUNKRAT: LOL

GENJI: I DONT HANZO IS LYING

MCCREE: really?  
MCCREE: is that why we hear "heal me daddy" all night?

76: I thought you all could at least act mature.

MCCREE: wrong place to look for maturity partner

76: I see that now.

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

ASHE: What's with all the yelling?

MCCREE: hana asked a stupid question and now shes gonna die

D.VA: wait since when are you two friendly  
D.VA: i thought you hated each other  
D.VA: also what do you mean die

MCCREE: we can act civil

ASHE: If he dared turned into a traitor again I wouldn't hesitate to murder him.

76: But not mature.

MCCREE: nah

TRACER: youre dating brigitte luv!  
TRACER: thats a death sentence!

TORBJORN: PREPARE TO DIE!

D.VA: FUCK

**[D.VA] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

**[TORBJORN LINDHOLM] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

MCCREE: rip

TRACER: rip

ASHE: Rip

BRIGITTE: I should go stop them.

MCCREE: youd probably die too

**[D.VA] entered chatroom [GAYIENS]**

D.VA: i think bastion and orisa are fucking

LUCIO: why would you think that?

D.VA: they stare at each other for too long  
D.VA: you know how many system malfunctions orisa has just from looking at bastion?  
D.VA: like 5  
D.VA: thats the highest record so far in one day

MCCREE: my system malfunctions when i look at hanzo

HANZO: That is probably the worst way you've ever said "I love you".

MCCREE: yeah it sounded wrong to me too

HANZO: In another note, if Genji and Zenyatta don't stop whatever the fuck they're doing they'll both die.  
HANZO: One for a second time.

MCCREE: ill flashbang them for your arrows babe

HANZO: I was just going to eliminate them with the dragons, but that works too I suppose.

TRACER: soo did we forget anyone?

SOMBRA: yeah  
SOMBRA: you forgot talon  
SOMBRA: also genji has weird soldier x reaper fanfics

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK  
GENJI: HOW?

SOMBRA: oh look  
SOMBRA: heres one about your dear brother and the cowboy

MCCREE: im sorry?

HANZO: Oh my god not this again.

SOMBRA: i even hacked reapers computer and found some... interesting things

D.VA: so are they dating?

SOMBRA: i needed to bleach my eyes  
SOMBRA: also yes

MCCREE: wait hana how are you not dead?

D.VA: brigitte came in and we both told torbjorn how we felt so he didnt care

MCCREE: wow it did not go down like that in the old overwatch

REINHARDT: I can confirm!  
REINHARDT: Jack and Gabe were the main ones in that mess, though!

MCCREE: yeah seriously  
MCCREE: how do you fuck literally everywhere  
MCCREE: except your own rooms

76: WE DIDN'T ASK YOU TO LOOK FOR US!

MCCREE: WELL THEN MAYBE DONT DISAPPEAR FOR THREE HOURS DURING A PARTY  
MCCREE: wait how the fuck did you know that we looked for them?

76: Uhh, forget what I just said.  
76: Oh look, is that the time?  
76: Sorry I am needed on a mission.

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

MCCREE: hell fuckin no bitch get back here

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

LUCIO: so that happened

D.VA: i never trusted him

LUCIO: why?

D.VA: he called me a child

GENJI: u are one

D.VA: OMG

HANZO: So are you, Genji.

GENJI: WHAT DID I DO?!  
GENJI: LIKE REALLY  
GENJI: WHY DO YOU ATTACK ME LIKE THIS?

HANZO: I don't know, what _did _you do?

GENJI: jnlasjnlkjrngae

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

MCCREE: IM DEFECTING TO TALON

HANZO: What happened?  
HANZO: If you do, I'm coming with you.

SOMBRA: so youll only accept our invite if the cowboy is involved?

HANZO: Yes.

MCCREE: SOLDIER 76 IS JACK MORRISON

REINHARDT: WHAT?!

GENJI: ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

MCCREE: YEAH APPARENTLY HE FAKED HIS FUCKING DEATH

MERCY: THIS BETTER BE A LIE.

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

76: ...  
76: I was going to tell you all eventually.

MERCY: SURE BUT WHEN?

76: IT'S MY FUCKING IDENTITY.

**[SOMBRA] added [REAPER] to chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

SOMBRA: your boyfriend is in danger

REAPER: **He's not my boyfriend...**

76: SEE?

REAPER: **He's my husband.**

76: God dammit, Gabe!

REAPER: **Seriously?**

76: If I outed myself, I'm outing you, too.

REAPER: **Whatever.**  
REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes is dead anyways.**

SOMBRA: lol this is golden  
SOMBRA: you, the face of talon, married to the ex face of overwatch

REAPER: **Listen here you little shit.**

SOMBRA: look at the time i have to go

**[SOMBRA] left chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

GENJI: this reminds me of when we spent 3 days looking for gerards holopad

REAPER: **Oh God, don't remind me of that.**

76: Three whole days...  
76: _AND IT WAS IN HIS GODDAMN HAND THE WHOLE TIME!_  
76: _HE WAS STILL USING IT!_

GENJI: LIKE SERIOUSLY  
GENJI: HOW ARE U THAT STUPID?

REAPER: **He was my best friend and all but damn you all turned him into such a dumbass.**

MERCY: _I told him he needed glasses..._

D.VA: old overwatch sounds so chaotic

REINHARDT: It was!  
REINHARDT: Mirembe, Kimiko and Gerard were pussies, though.

REAPER: **True.**

76: Just because they didn't want to do your often stupid dares doesn't make them pussies.

REAPER: **You did them.**

76: That's different.

MERCY: How is that different?

GENJI: those who did gabes dares were seen as the important people

MERCY: Is that why you, Ana, Jack and Jesse always did them?

GENJI: yup

76: They weren't that bad...

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [GAYLIENS]**

MCCREE: those dares gave me my will to live

GENJI: same

76: I hate Overwatch.

REAPER: **Join Talon, Jackie.**  
REAPER: **I'll make it worth your while.**

76: Tempting, but no.  
76: I'm going back to being a vigilante.

MCCREE: prepare to get shot then

76: Okay.  
76: Make it fast, I've got a movie date to get to.

REAPER: **If there is even a scratch on Jack I will end you.**

MCCREE: you know what never mind

REAPER: **Smart.**


	4. dragons dragons dragons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whose that pokemon? its noodle dragon!

**Private Message: McCree, Hanzo**

MCCREE: can you let the dragons out?

HANZO: No.  
HANZO: They need to rest after that mission.

MCCREE: udon likes me more

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: He does not.

MCCREE: wanna bet sugar?

HANZO: If you want, you can sleep in your room tonight.

MCCREE: we are in my room  
MCCREE: we moved to get away from genji and zenyatta remember?

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: What are they doing?

MCCREE: shit!  
MCCREE: i didnt think they liked me that much!

HANZO: YOU DIDN'T THINK?!

MCCREE: NO!  
MCCREE: WAIT SHIT NO  
MCCREE: UDON SOBA WHICHEVER YOU ARE PUT ME DOWN!  
MCCREE: FUCK!  
MCCREE: BABE HELP ME

HANZO: _JESSE!_

\---

**[SOLDIER: 76] entered chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

76: Is there any reason why two giant florescent blue dragons flew past the kitchen carrying a screaming McCree?

D.VA: lol what?

LUCIO: now this i gotta see

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

HANZO: Which way did they go?

GENJI: hahahahahaha hanzos dragons like jesse more than him

HANZO: At least I can summon two!

GENJI: FUCK YOU!

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

MCCREE: BABE  
MCCREE: BABE CALL THEM OFF

HANZO: I'M TRYING!  
HANZO: THEY AREN'T LISTENING TO ME!

MCCREE: WHY NOT?  
MCCREE: ARENT YOU THEIR MASTER OR SOMETHING?

HANZO: _IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT!_

MCCREE: THEN HOW?

GENJI: ITS NOT LIKE YOU SIGN A FUCKING CONTRACT JESSE  
GENJI: THE DRAGONS DECIDE IF YOURE WORTHY  
GENJI: speaking of dragons wheres sora

MCCREE: HELL IF I KNOW  
MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: FUCKING HELL  
MCCREE: ASUHALSSAILFHOSRGJFOEIJG

**[JESSE MCCREE] left chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

LUCIO: LMAO THE CHAT NAME HOLY FUCK

HANZO: Where the fuck is Sora, Genji?

GENJI: my guess is she joined the dogpile in the common room

REINHARDT: There are indeed three fluorescent dragons here!

HANZO: THEY AREN'T FLUORESCENT!

GENJI: THEYRE SPIRITS YOU UNCULTURED FUCKS!

HANZO: Genji, come get your dragon off my boyfriend.

GENJI: fine but only because i dont want jesse to suffocate

HANZO: Thank you.

SOMBRA: wow and here i thought overwatch couldnt be funnier than talon

MERCY: How is Talon funny?

SOMBRA: we have moira

MERCY: Wow, Talon is a fucking joke.

SOMBRA: i know right?  
SOMBRA: sent her a screenshot and she looked so insulted

MERCY: Good.  
MERCY: Serves a bitch right.

GENJI: god we all hated her in blackwatch  
GENJI: thats why we always went to angela

MERCY: THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS CAME TO ME?

GENJI: UM YES?  
GENJI: THE WAY SHE RAN WASNT BECAUSE SHE HAD A BACKACHE  
GENJI: SHE NARUTO RUNS

HANZO: And you watch cartoon porn.

GENJI: its called anime!  
GENJI: and its not porn!

TRACER: im pretty sure that one was porn

GENJI: LOOK  
GENJI: I DONT CONTROL THE CREATORS  
GENJI: JUST GIVE THEM A BADASS SWORD AND THATLL WORK FOR ME

HANZO: It was disgusting.

GENJI: yet you and jesse fucking still gives me nightmares

HANZO: You dare insult Jesse when we're literally three feet apart?

GENJI: fuck

D.VA: um the dragons are gone again

HANZO: Naze karera wa jitto shite i rarenai nodeshou ka?!

GENJI: tabun karera wa jibun no kokoro o motte iru no ka wakaranai!

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

WINSTON: Hanzo, Genji, this has gone out of control.  
WINSTON: Control your dragons.

HANZO: We're trying!

GENJI: shut up winston!  
GENJI: just because youre a relative of curious george and you dont understand how fucking spirit dragons work doesnt mean you can be so insulting

WINSTON: That is a highly inaccurate description.

TRACER: hes not wrong luv!

D.VA: i see the resemblance

WINSTON: The Recall was a mistake.

76: Not as much of a mistake as being related to Curious George.

D.VA: LMAOOO

REINHARDT: This will not end well for Winston.  
REINHARDT: Or Hanzo and Genji.

GENJI: aw fuck

HANZO: !!!  
HANZO: What'd I do?

REINHARDT: You all didn't know?  
REINHARDT: Jack and Gabe adopted Jesse right after they took him out of Deadlock.

TRACER: hes the only one who calls them dad!

ASHE: Well this is a shocker.

76: I'd start running if I were you two.

GENJI: god dammit

HANZO: Is there any chance of a bargain?

76: ...  
76: No.

HANZO: Looks like you'll be seeing me in Talon after all, Sombra.

SOMBRA: sweet

HANZO: I'm taking Jesse with me.

76: Then I guess you'll have to die.

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [FUCK ME IN THE ASS CAUSE I LOVE JESUS]**

MCCREE: why did this entire night happen?  
MCCREE: i just wanted to cuddle the noodle dragons and i get dragged off

D.VA: noodle dragons?

MCCREE: ...  
MCCREE: hanzos dragons shrink so they fit on the bed and dont crush us  
MCCREE: i call them noodle dragons because they look like blue noodles

REAPER: **Those dragons are a menace.**  
REAPER: **I'm sorry Hanzo, but your application has been denied.**

HANZO: I was joking...

SOMBRA: rude

76: Thank god.

REAPER: **Fuck you.**

76: Go ahead.

MCCREE: get a room this time

D.VA: is no one else gonna mention that jesse is the only one who can call jack and gabe dad?

REAPER: **Don't call me that.**  
REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes is dead.**

76: Accept your fate, Gabe.

D.VA: are you all ignoring me?

MCCREE: get adopted  
MCCREE: then you can call them dad

76: No.

REAPER: **Jesse was enough.**

D.VA: fuck!  
D.VA: wait is that why you ignore me when i call you dad?

76: Yes.

D.VA: but you act like such a dad!

76: Stop that.

HANZO: Don't you have two fathers, Hana?

D.VA: yeah but jacks the work dad

76: I am not.

REAPER: **Don't call him that.**

TRACER: face it luv its never gonna happen!

D.VA: damn it!

HANZO: Jesse, where are you now?

MCCREE: bedroom  
MCCREE: genji come get your dragon off my head

GENJI: looks like you dont attract the dragons anymore anija

HANZO: Shut it.

MCCREE: heh...  
MCCREE: darlin what are you waiting for?

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: **[attachment: jesseanddragons.png]**

GENJI: how tf do they like you better jesse?

MCCREE: hell if i know

HANZO: They said they like him better because you suck.

GENJI: they did not!

HANZO: Ask Sora, then.

GENJI: ...  
GENJI: god dammit

MCCREE: wait seriously  
MCCREE: wow rip genji

GENJI: shut up

WINSTON: Please never let this happen again.

D.VA: wow youre still here?  
D.VA: thought you were gone already lmao

WINSTON: I wanted to make sure the dragons stopped...

76: They've stopped now.

WINSTON: I don't need this from you, Jack.

76: Next time don't invite me back to hell.

D.VA: rip harambe

WINSTON: Stop.


	5. deadlock gang part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> or, when jesse joins overwatch part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chatroom names are just memes

**6-21-20XX**

**[ASHE] created chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[ASHE] added [BOB], [JESSE MCCREE], [TJ], [BRANDON], [DAMIEN], [SAMANTHA] and [CARMEN] to chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[TJ] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[BRANDON] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[DAMIEN] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

MCCREE: can we get an f for ashes spelling?

TJ: f

BRANDON: F

ASHE: Alright, where are the other two?

TJ: where do you think?

ASHE: God dammit.  
ASHE: @SAMANTHA @CARMEN Get in here!  
ASHE: And for once stop sucking each others tonsils out.

**[SAMANTHA] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[CARMEN] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

SAMANTHA: it's not my fault she's pretty

CARMEN: youre prettier

SAMANTHA: no you!

ASHE: I regret this already.  
ASHE: Alright listen up dammit.  
ASHE: I'm not going over this shit again.  
ASHE: We're stealing an Omnic cache. We've gotta get there before Overwatch does or we'll lose out.  
ASHE: Again.

MCCREE: just to be clear that was all tjs fault

BRANDON: Obviously.

TJ: no it wasnt!

ASHE: Don't care who did what last mission!  
ASHE: Just be ready!  
ASHE: This mission will take 3 days.

MCCREE: shit

BRANDON: I'll bring the cards.

DAMIEN: I'll bring snacks.

CARMEN: well just bring our cute selves

SAMANTHA: <3

CARMEN: <3

ASHE: _Why are you two still in Deadlock?_

SAMANTHA: i'm a badass hacker and carmen's our best defense

BRANDON: What about me?

CARMEN: you suck

DAMIEN: Literally.

BRANDON: THEY DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT, DAMIEN!

MCCREE: relax weve all heard you  
MCCREE: youre loud as fuck and keep interrupting our sleep

TJ: yeah youre worse than jesse singing shitty country songs

MCCREE: LISTEN  
MCCREE: I DONT MAKE THE LYRICS  
MCCREE: THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THEM ARE DEAD

ASHE: Tj, stop projecting your hate onto everything.

TJ: or what

ASHE: I'll force you to sit with Jesse for the entire ride.

TJ: fine boss

MCCREE: punk ass bitch

ASHE: Watch it, McCree.  
ASHE: You're next.

MCCREE: shit

BRANDON: So when do we leave?

ASHE: Tonight.  
ASHE: Get your sleep now, its a long ride.

**[ASHE] left chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

MCCREE: soo  
MCCREE: poker?

DAMIEN: Why the fuck not?

BRANDON: I'm down.

TJ: deal me in

SAMANTHA: you're all fucked

MCCREE: shut up

TJ: yeah go suck carmens tonsils out

SAMANTHA: i hate you two

CARMEN: come on lets go

**[SAMANTHA] left chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[CARMEN] left chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

MCCREE: how are we doing this?

BRANDON: I don't know, hands or mouth?

MCCREE: haha dumbass i meant poker

BRANDON: Funny story actually...  
BRANDON: Bob took my deck of cards I forgot.

MCCREE: god dammit

BRANDON: I have Uno cards.

TJ: why not uno online

MCCREE: fuck that they have shitty rules

TJ: you right lets do it anyways

\-----

BRANDON: Jesse, I know you're hiding plus fours.

MCCREE: haha what?

TJ: just give them up already

MCCREE: or what

BOB: -_-

MCCREE: fine ill play...  
MCCREE: DOUBLE SKIP

BRANDON: GOD DAMMIT.

TJ: JUST PLAY YOUR WILDS

SAMANTHA: how are you all so mad already? it's just the beginning.

TJ: YOURE NOT EVEN PLAYING SHUT UP

DAMIEN: Just let us make our own mistakes.

MCCREE: good thing none of us are driving

TJ: yeah the last time you drove you almost killed us all

MCCREE: LISTEN

BRANDON: That was terrible.

TJ: good thing ashe banned you from driving ever again

MCCREE: FUCK ALL OF YOU  
MCCREE: HERES MY PLUS FOUR YOU BITCH

TJ: DAMMIT

BRANDON: I knew that was going to happen.

TJ: NO YOU DIDNT

BRANDON: Never piss off Jesse.

MCCREE: exactly

TJ: oh fuck off brandon  
TJ: SHIT HES GONNA WIN

MCCREE: UNO MOTHERFUCKERS

BRANDON: I LITERALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO FUCK HIM UP WITH.

TJ: ME EITHER  
TJ: NO I DONT WANT A GREEN 2 THANKS  
TJ: YES!!!  
TJ: DRAW 2 BITCH

MCCREE: NO!

DAMIEN: I could've done something, but you all were busy yelling at each other.

BRANDON: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?!

DAMIEN: Because.  
DAMIEN: I like watching you suffer.

MCCREE: thats kinda dark

TJ: yeah thats fucking creepy

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

ASHE: What the hell is wrong with all of you?

MCCREE: depends on what you mean

BRANDON: Yeah, you mean fucked in the head or something else?

ASHE: I mean I'm sitting here listening to you four yelling at each other over the communicators.

DAMIEN: Don't worry about it.

ASHE: Oh, I'm worried.  
ASHE: I'm worried I chose the wrong people for this mission.

MCCREE: ouch

TJ: that hurt

BRANDON: Yeah, boss.

DAMIEN: Are you, though?

ASHE: _Yes._

MCCREE:

TJ: FUCK YOU JESSE

ASHE: _God dammit._

DAMIEN: I hate all of you.  
DAMIEN: Except you, Brandon.

BRANDON: <3

DAMIEN: <3

MCCREE: gay

TJ: gay

BRANDON: Shut the hell your mouth.

TJ: brandon no do grammar

MCCREE: lmao

TJ: go back to school

BRANDON: At least I went to school.

MCCREE: and you still chose a life of crime you dumbass

BRANDON: Just take your fucking turn before I throw you out of the van.

MCCREE: :)

TJ: fucks sake

BOB: ...

MCCREE: dont worry about it bob

TJ: im still concerned on how you understand him

MCCREE: when its your turn to help ashe with bobs maintenance you can ask her

TJ: she never asked me to help since the time i gave bob a pink paint job as a birthday present

MCCREE: exactly

BOB: (－‸ლ)

MCCREE: i know bob  
MCCREE: hes an idiot

TJ: IM SORRY OKAY?!  
TJ: I DIDNT KNOW ASHE DIDNT LIKE PINK  
TJ: I THOUGHT ALL GIRLS DID

CARMEN: my favorite color is blood

TJ: and now im scared  
TJ: thanks carmen

CARMEN: youre welcome

MCCREE: weak

TJ: shut up  
TJ: you cant even hold your alcohol

CARMEN: yeah i remember the mission in dallas

MCCREE: ARE WE REALLY DOING THIS AGAIN?

TJ: yes because youre a pussy

MCCREE: guess ill die

BRANDON: Stop that.

MCCREE: make me

DAMIEN: How did this go from playing Uno to insulting each other?

MCCREE: were the deadlock gnag  
MCCREE: when dont we insult each other?

BRANDON: Gnag.

TJ: gnag

CARMEN: gnag

SAMANTHA: gnag

ASHE: I hate you all.  
ASHE: Everyone get out.  
ASHE: We're at our rest stop.

MCCREE: good ive gotta pee  
MCCREE: move im gay

BRANDON: Watch it!

MCCREE: get the fuck out of my way then  
MCCREE: i said i had to pee

TJ: NO YOU DONT  
TJ: IVE BEEN HOLDING IT LONGER

MCCREE: WEVE BEEN HOLDING IT FOR THE SAME TIME

TJ: I DIDNT GO BEFORE WE LEFT

MCCREE: THEN SUFFER AND DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

TJ: FUCK

ASHE: I literally told you to go before we left.

TJ: and i didnt have to go

ASHE: Go anyways.

TJ: i hate this fucking gang

DAMIEN: We hate you, too.

TJ: MCCREE HURRY UP

MCCREE: NOPE

BRANDON: Are you secretly my brother from another mother, Jesse?

MCCREE: maybe

BRANDON: I hereby dub Jesse McCree as my Gay Disaster Little Brother.

MCCREE: thats an awfully long title  
MCCREE: i like it

TJ: ARE YOU FUCKING DONE YET?

MCCREE: GOD DAMN IM FINISHING OKAY?

TJ: THANK YOU

ASHE: Bringing you all along was a mistake.

MCCREE: but you dont regret it

ASHE: I wish I did.


	6. deadlock gang part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how jesse joins overwatch part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dumbass just realized that shadowsan and hanzo have the same voice actor

**6-22-20XX**

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

**[TJ] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

MCCREE: TJ STOP SHOOTING THE FUCKING DOOR

TJ: HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET IT OPEN?

MCCREE: I DONT KNOW  
MCCREE: MAYBE PICK THE FUCKING LOCK?

TJ: I DONT HAVE ANYTHING TO PICK IT WITH?

ASHE: WHAT THE HELL IS TAKING YOU TWO SO LONG?

MCCREE: TJ CANT PICK A FUCKING LOCK

ASHE: THAT'S THEFT 101!  
ASHE: EVERYONE IN DEADLOCK WAS TAUGHT HOW TO PICK A LOCK!

TJ: IM WORKING ON IT SHUT UP  
TJ: THERE HAPPY?

MCCREE: YES  
MCCREE: I NEVER WANT TO BE PAIRED UP WITH YOU AGAIN

TJ: ME EITHER  
TJ: YOU WHINE ABOUT EVERYTHING I DO

MCCREE: YEAH  
MCCREE: BECAUSE YOU SUCK

BRANDON: Can't argue with him there.

TJ: are  
TJ: are you fucking serious

BRANDON: Completely.

TJ: after this im quitting missions  
TJ: set me up in the shop or weapons

ASHE: Considering....  
ASHE: No.

TJ: WHY?!

ASHE: Because you suck.

MCCREE: HAHAHAHAHAHA  
MCCREE: HOLY SHIT  
MCCREE: EVEN ASHE THINKS YOU SUCK

TJ: YOU SUCK TOO

DAMIEN: I think everyone likes Jesse better than you.  
DAMIEN: Even if he dresses like a cowboy from old westerns.

SAMANTHA: agreed  
SAMANTHA: i'd rather stare at jesse's bright ass poncho than your face for hours

MCCREE: ITS A SERAPE   
MCCREE: BUT THANKS ANYWAYS

TJ: GO TO HELL MCCREE

MCCREE: IM ALREADY THERE  
MCCREE: FUCKING MOVE ALREADY

TJ: SHUT UP

MCCREE: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO SLOW?

ASHE: I remember asking that same line.

MCCREE: tmi boss

DAMIEN: Can we hurry up? I have a date to get to.

BRANDON: Me too.  
BRANDON: Tj, move your ass.

TJ: CAN EVERYONE IN DEADLOCK STOP BEING SO GAY?

MCCREE: no

DAMIEN: No.

BRANDON: No.

SAMANTHA: no

CARMEN: no

ASHE: Looks like you're outnumbered.  
ASHE: Clock's ticking for your paycheck.

TJ: WAIT WTF  
TJ: PAYCHECK??

ASHE: And your budget this season has been cut.

TJ: WHAT THATS NOT FAIR

MCCREE: THIS IS FUCKING FANTASTIC

TJ: SHT UP MCCREE

\-----

SAMANTHA: we're in

CARMEN: god youre so hot when you hack

SAMANTHA: you know it

CARMEN: <3

SAMANTHA: <3

ASHE: Just tell us where to go next and I won't consider putting a bullet through the two of you and Tj.

SAMANTHA: up ahead boss, take a left and then a right

ASHE: Got it.  
ASHE: McCree, let's move.

MCCREE: right behind you

TJ: WAIT WHAT ABOUT ME?

ASHE: You're the guard dog.

TJ: DAMMIT!

MCCREE: get fucked tj

TJ: at least people want to fuck me

ASHE: And I regret it every day.

**[TJ] left chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

MCCREE: just so were clear  
MCCREE: he asked for it right?

BRANDON: Completely.

DAMIEN: 100%

SAMANTHA: he had it coming years ago

CARMEN: im surprised ashe didnt shoot him after the pink bob incident

BOB: (◣_◢)

MCCREE: me too bob

ASHE: I considered it.

BOB: (πーπ)  
BOB: ಠ_ಠ

MCCREE: if you dont kill tj ill buy you a new hat

BOB: ...  
BOB: (≧▽≦)

MCCREE: there you go tj  
MCCREE: you owe me

SAMANTHA: damn i need to learn omnic

MCCREE: good luck with that  
MCCREE: i doubt bob will let anyone other than me or ashe near him ever again

BOB: ( ͝סּ ͜ʖ͡סּ)

ASHE: The fuck is that?

BOB: ¯\\_( ͠° ͟ʖ °͠ )_/¯

MCCREE: great tj broke bob

BOB: 凸(｀0')凸

MCCREE: me too bob

ASHE: Let's just get this over with.  
ASHE: We can worry about Bob's interface later.

\-----

BRANDON: JESUS CHRIST!

DAMIEN: WHAT THE FUCK?

ASHE: I SWEAR TO GOD.

MCCREE: thats it im investing in bleach goodbye

BOB: (◯Δ◯∥)

CARMEN: i have no idea what the fuck is going on

SAMANTHA: apparently overwatch caught up to us  
SAMANTHA: they almost got tj, who was...  
SAMANTHA: you know what, let's just not get into it

**[TJ] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

TJ: DONT FUCKING LEAVE ME NEXT TIME

ASHE: WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?!

MCCREE: you know now i hope overwatch catches us   
MCCREE: so they can arrest me so i never have to look at your face again

ASHE: It would look better with a bullet through it.

TJ: i hate you all and i hope overwatch shoots me on sight

BRANDON: They'd probably arrest you.

ASHE: Fuck they're going for the cache!  
ASHE: McCree!

MCCREE: on it already  
MCCREE: oh god their captain is terrifyoiaenfoadeosdkn

**[JESSE MCCREE] disconnected from chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

ASHE: Shit.

BRANDON: They got him.  
BRANDON: Damien got the cache.

ASHE: The rest of you head back to base.  
ASHE: I'm getting McCree.

\-----

**[GABRIEL REYES] entered chatroom [WHY DID THE BIKE FALL OVER?]**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered chatroom [WHY DID THE BIKE FALL OVER?]**

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [WHY DID THE BIKE FALL OVER?]**

REYES: I'd say that was successful.

MORRISON: Are you sure?

REYES: Yes.

ANA: Well I will agree with Gabriel

MORRISON: Of course you will.

ANA: We did get that kid though

**[GÉRARD LAICROX] entered chatroom [WHY DID THE BIKE FALL OVER?]**

LAICROX: He will not talk to me or Commander Morrison.

REYES: Fine let me talk to him.

**[GABRIEL REYES] added [JESSE MCCREE] to chatroom [WHY DID THE BIKE FALL OVER?]**

MCCREE: i aint joining this gay organization

ANA: Hes right about one thing

MCCREE: deadlock is already gay enough  
MCCREE: youve got some competition partner

REYES: Alright enough of this.  
REYES: You're joining Overwatch.

MCCREE: or what?

REYES: Prison for the rest of your life.  
REYES: Let's be real here.  
REYES: You're not stupid.

MCCREE: why the fuck do you care?

REYES: I don't.  
REYES: I've just got a 20 riding on this.

MORRISON: God dammit.

MCCREE: hahaha  
MCCREE: you bet a 20?

REYES: Yep.

MCCREE: im in

MORRISON: Are...  
MORRISON: Are you serious?

MCCREE: yup

REYES: Looks like you owe me, Jack.

ANA: lmao

MORRISON: God dammit.

\-----

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

ASHE: THAT TRAITOROUS MOTHERFUCKER!

BRANDON: What happened?

ASHE: HE JOINED OVERWATCH!  
ASHE: HE HAD TWO OPTIONS!  
ASHE: PRISON OR OVERWATCH!  
ASHE: I'M GONNA KILL HIM!

BOB: (T⌓T)

ASHE: I know, Bob.

TJ: at least we dont have to deal with his country music anymore

ASHE: ...

SAMANTHA: rip tj

TJ: wait what?

ASHE: _GET IN THERE, BOB!_

BOB: ('A')

TJ: OH SHIT-

**[TJ] disconnected from chatroom [DEADLOCK GNAG]**

BOB: (◞‸◟)

DAMIEN: Me too.

SAMANTHA: yeah

CARMEN: cant say i feel sorry for tj though

BRANDON: He had it coming.

ASHE: It was only a matter of time.  
ASHE: The next time I see that cowboy I'm gonna put a bullet through him.

BOB: ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

ASHE: After he gets you a hat.

BOB: ╥﹏╥

ASHE: Yeah, I miss him too.

DAMIEN: I think we all do.  
DAMIEN: Except Tj.

CARMEN: fuck tj

SAMANTHA: can we work on getting our cowboy back?

ASHE: Tough shit.  
ASHE: I don't deal with traitors.

BRANDON: I'll miss my Gay Disaster Little Brother.

ASHE: I swear if I meet him again I'll put a bullet through his head.

SAMANTHA: keep saying that as if you're actually going to do it

ASHE: I will!


	7. minecraft war

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i tried playing minecraft mobile again for the first time in years and the controls are so different

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

GENJI: OK WHO THE FUCK DESTROYED MY ENTIRE MINECRAFT WORLD?

D.VA: sombra?

SOMBRA: nah but it was cool

GENJI: THE NEPAL TEMPLE TOOK ME FOR FUCKING EVER  
GENJI _AND NOW I HAVE TO BUILD IT AGAIN!_

76: Not this again.

D.VA: WAIT THIS HAPPENED BEFORE?

76: In the old days, Gabe, myself and the rest of Overwatch had a shared world and Liao got drunk one night and destroyed it.

REAPER: **He's lucky Angela kept me from shooting his ass.**

MERCY: I honestly considered letting you shoot him.  
MERCY: I helped build some of that world, too.

GENJI: oh yeah the old overwatch world  
GENJI: WAIT YOU STILL HAVE IT?!

76: Yes.

GENJI: idk if im mad or impressed

D.VA: im impressed that jack gabe and mercy even play

76: Everyone had a house in the old days.  
76: They're still there.

GENJI: GERARDS HOUSE IS STILL THERE?

76: I just said it was.

GENJI: LET ME DESTROY IT  
GENJI: BASTARD KEPT FUCKING PUSHING ME INTO CREEPERS

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

MCCREE: ENJOY YOUR FUCKING WORLD BITCH BOY

GENJI: WHAT THE FUCK  
GENJI: FUCK U JESSE

MCCREE: YOU KILLED MY HORSE

GENJI: I DIDNT BLOW UP UR HOUSE  
GENJI: I BLEW UP THE OTHER ONE

HANZO: _That was mine._

GENJI: HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  
GENJI: U NEVER SAID U PLAYED MINECRAFT!

HANZO: _Do I have to tell you everything I do?!_

GENJI: LABEL YOUR HOUSE

HANZO: I DID!

GENJI: MAKE IT BIGGER!

HANZO: HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING LOOK FOR IT NEXT TIME?

GENJI: LISTEN

HANZO: I'M LISTENING! EXPLAIN TO ME!

GENJI: JESSES DUMB ASS DESTROYED MY FUCKING FARM ONE NIGHT AND I HAVENT FORGIVEN HIM  
GENJI: THAT WAS BEFORE SWITZERLAND  
GENJI: I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO GET BACK AT HIM

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

REAPER: **What the hell is with all the yelling?**

GENJI: fucking jesse blew up my fucking world in minecraft

MCCREE: you killed my horse and blew up hanzos house  
MCCREE: wait how can you hear us yelling?

REAPER: **...Not important.**

MCCREE: youre in pops room arent you?

REAPER: **No...**

SOMBRA: he totally is  
SOMBRA: "im going to jacks dont fuck anything up while im gone"

D.VA: lmao

REAPER: **CAN YOU LEAVE US ALONE?**

SOMBRA: no  
SOMBRA: WHAT THE FUCK?!  
SOMBRA: HOW DID YOU FIND THAT CAMERA?!

76: Don't be obvious.  
76: And when the hell did you have time to sneak over here and put them all up?

SOMBRA: i followed gabe  
SOMBRA: plus your security is shit

76: God dammit.

**[LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

LUCIO: i just walked into the common room to get my headphones and genji jesse and hanzo all look like theyre about to fight

MCCREE: no we aint  
MCCREE: were voicing our opinions loudly

LUCIO: thats screaming...

HANZO: If someone didn't blow up my house I'd be a little less mad...

GENJI: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IM SORRY?!

HANZO: _YOU KILLED TUMBLE!  
_HANZO: _YOU BLEW UP MY HOUSE!_

GENJI: IM SORRY I MURDERED JESSES STUPID HORSE AND TNTED YOUR WHOLE HOUSE  
GENJI: HANZO NO PLEASE!

HANZO: THIS TIME I'LL MAKE SURE YOU STAY DEAD!

MCCREE: DARLIN DONT

**[GENJI SHIMADA] disconnected from chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] disconnected from chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] disconnected from chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

76: What happened to them?

LUCIO: zenyatta came in  
LUCIO: he wasnt happy either  
LUCIO: @MERCY  
LUCIO: this is real bad  
LUCIO: they just, fell asleep

MERCY: I'll go see to them.

**[ANGELA "MERCY" ZIEGLER] went idle**

**[ANA AMARI] reentered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

ANA: You come back from the dead and everyones fighting  
ANA: Wonderful

76: ...

REAPER: **...**

ANA: Jack, Gabriel

MERCY: WHAT THE FUCK?  
MERCY: @PHARAH

**[FAREEHA "PHARAH" AMARI] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

PHARAH: Yes?  
PHARAH: ...  
PHARAH: What the fuck?

ANA: Hello fareeha  
ANA: The three in here are fine  
ANA: I just sleep darted them because ponytail and jesse looked like they were about to murder genji and the omnic

76: Alright.  
76: They were probably going to because Genji destroyed their Minecraft world so Jesse and Hanzo destroyed his and Zenyatta's world in retaliation.

ANA: rip

PHARAH: I don't know what to say.

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

REINHARDT: Does anyone stay dead anymore?

REAPER: **Gerard does.**

SOMBRA: _Oui_, he does.

D.VA: sombra?

SOMBRA: _Non._

LUCIO: oh no

SOMBRA: What has Sombra been hiding from us, Reaper?

REAPER: **Literally nothing.**  
REAPER: **She dragged me in here.**

SOMBRA: ...

**[SOMBRA] added [WIDOWMAKER] to chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[SOMBRA] left chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

WIDOWMAKER: Where are you, _chéri_?

76: Back off.

WIDOWMAKER: I have no interest in him.  
WIDOWMAKER: But the loud one is rather cute.

**[GENJI SHIMADA] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

**[TEKHARTHA ZENYATTA] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

GENJI: _I HATE U!_

HANZO: LIKEWISE!

MCCREE: GET BACK HERE AND LET ME KILL YOU!

GENJI: NEVER!  
GENJI: GET AWAY FROM ME U DEMON!

HANZO: JUST ONE SHOT TO THE HEAD!

ANA: DO U WANT ME TO SLEEP DART U AGAIN?!

MCCREE: no...

ZENYATTA: I would like to say something.

MCCREE: shoot 

ZENYATTA: Fuck you.

MCCREE: WOW

ZENYATTA: _I HELPED BUILD SOME OF THAT WORLD!_

D.VA: HOLY FUCK IVE NEVER SEEN ZENYATTA ANGRY AND HES SCARY AS SHIT

HANZO: TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO LEAVE MY HOUSE ALONE!

MCCREE: AND MY HORSE!

ZENYATTA: GENJI, I'M CHANGING THE PASSWORD!

GENJI: THEY ALREADY KNOW ITS HANZOSUCKS2789

REAPER: **_CAN YOU ALL STOP YELLING?!_**

WIDOWMAKER: Sombra was right, Overwatch has more fun than Talon.

76: WE'LL BE THE ONES TO COME DOWN THERE NEXT!

GENJI: ID LIKE TO SEE U TRY TO KILL ME OLD MAN

76: _I'VE GOT YOU IN MY SIGHTS!_

GENJI: SHIT

MCCREE: RUN

HANZO: _Don't you dare, Morrison._

76: _Oh I dare, Shimada._

D.VA: this is the funniest fucking thing ive ever been a part of  
D.VA: ...  
D.VA: can you not murder each other in my stream?

**[BRIGITTE LINDHOLM] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

BRIGITTE: Can you all act like normal humans for once in your life?

REAPER: **JACK AND I WERE TRYING TO SLEEP!**

GENJI: JESSE AND HANZO BLEW UP MY MINECRAFT WORLD

JESSE: AFTER YOU KILLED MY HORSE

HANZO: AND BLEW UP MY HOUSE!

GENJI: CHILL THE FUCK OUT WITH UR BULLETS

76: DON'T TELL ME TO CHILL!

REAPER: **Really, don't.**  
REAPER: **I still remember what happened to Kimiko.**

REINHARDT: That was scary.

ANA: Im honestly surprised she didnt die

76: SHE DIDN'T, BUT GENJI MIGHT!

REAPER: **Jack, stop terrorizing the children.**

76: No!

REAPER: **You're going to put me out of a job.**

76: Better for us I guess.

REAPER: **I'll show you better!**

BRIGITTE: Can you at least take it to your room?

MCCREE: hanzo lets go

HANZO: Fine.

GENJI: CAN U AT LEAST CUT ME DOWN FROM HERE?

MCCREE: did anyone else get a text?  
MCCREE: my phone buzzed but theres no message

76: Probably just your imagination.

REAPER: **They need less of that.**

ANA: While u all were trying to kill each other, fareeha and i have had quite a good time at the coffee shop in town

PHARAH: It was alright for someone who kept trying to change the subject.

GENJI: FUCK U ALL

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

WINSTON: _What the hell is going on?_

GENJI: JACK JESSE GABE AND HANZO ALL GANGED UP ON ME  
GENJI: IM HANGING FROM THE CEILING 

MCCREE: YOU DESERVE IT

HANZO: STAY OUT OF OUR WORLD!

REAPER: **AGAIN,** **JACK AND I WERE JUST TRYING TO SLEEP!**

SOMBRA: you were playing mario kart stop lying  
SOMBRA: and jack was kicking your ass

**[REAPER] left chatroom [13 PIECE BUCKET]**

WINSTON: If I didn't have a house of my own on the old Overwatch Minecraft server I would ban it.

GENJI: ur going with that?

WINSTON: Yes.

GENJI: can someone at least cut me down from here?

D.VA: can you not suck?

GENJI: i hate u all

HANZO: We hate you, too.


	8. robot lovin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will go down with this ship

**Private Message: Ashe, McCree**

MCCREE: please tell me youre seeing this too

ASHE: I honestly wasn't expecting this.

MCCREE: this is so cute wtf

ASHE: I think I'm gonna start crying.  
ASHE: Where'd that box of tissues go?

MCCREE: if we agree on something can we at least agree to get them together?

ASHE: Lets fucking do this.

\-----

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

**[WINSTON] added [ECHO] to chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

**[ECHO] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

WINSTON: Everyone, this is Echo. She'll be joining the team.

ECHO: Hello, everyone!  
ECHO: I look forward to working with you all!

D.VA: thatll change real quick

LUCIO: hana stop

TRACER: hiya!

MCCREE: howdy

ASHE: Hey.

BOB: ...

ECHO: Agent McCree!  
ECHO: How are you?

MCCREE: just dandy

ECHO: After you rescued me, where did you go?  
ECHO: Hello, B.O.B.!

BOB: ...

MCCREE: bob dont be like that

BOB: ...

ASHE: Skfmaskfnejsfnweaeflkmfdwefd

**[ASHE] left chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

MCCREE: FUCK ASHE  
MCCREE: WHO THE HELL LEFT THIS BUCKET OF WATER HERE

**[JESSE MCCREE] went idle**

BOB: (／≧ω＼)

ECHO: It is nice to meet you, too!

MCCREE: IM SERIOUS WHO THE FUCK LEFT THIS BUCKET HERE

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

ASHE: Thanks, BOB.

BOB: (ノ_<。)

MCCREE: hey now

ASHE: Shut up!

BOB: ...

ASHE: No we aren't going to just ignore this.

MCCREE: yeah sorry bob its happening

D.VA: whats happening

BOB: (╯ಠ‿ಠ)╯︵┻━┻

ECHO: I do not understand what is happening.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

HANZO: What... are you two doing?

MCCREE: some idiot left a bucket of water on the floor for some reason

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: Why does BOB look angry?

BOB: ノಠ_ಠノ

ASHE: Other chat.

TRACER: wait what  
TRACER: you have another chat?

MCCREE: sorry lena youre not invited

TRACER: :(  
TRACER: but why

ASHE: Deadlock only.

SOMBRA: hanzos not deadlock

ASHE: Hanzo's an acception.

LUCIO: but the rest of us arent?

MCCREE: no because the rest of you are annoying as hell

D.VA: rude!

ANA: We founding members have our own chat as well

REAPER: **You all aren't allowed in it either.**

MCCREE: oh yeah i forgot about that

REAPER: **How?**

MCCREE: deadlock business fuck off

\-----

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered subchat [DEADLOCK AND AN ARCHER]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered subchat [DEADLOCK AND AN ARCHER]**

**[BOB] entered subchat [DEADLOCK AND AN ARCHER]**

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [DEADLOCK AND AN ARCHER]**

HANZO: Now will someone explain what this is all about?

MCCREE: BOBS GOT A CRUSH

BOB: 〴⋋_⋌〵

ASHE: YES YOU DO!  
ASHE: DON'T DENY IT, DAMMIT!

MCCREE: YEAH I HAVENT HEARD OF A CRUSH SINCE THAT SINGER OMNIC IN PARIS

BOB: (⊙＿⊙)

ASHE: DON'T PLAY DUMB!  
ASHE: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT!

MCCREE: I HAVE AN IDEA

BOB: ...?

MCCREE: GET HER FLOWERS

HANZO: I am very confused.

MCCREE: darlin bob never said he never liked anyone except that omnic singer in paris  
MCCREE: remember that restaurant?

HANZO: Oh.

MCCREE: have you met echo yet?

HANZO: I have not.

MCCREE: well he likes her

HANZO: ...  
HANZO: Where are you two?

MCCREE: go to the shooting range  
MCCREE: ill be there

ASHE: Quick question, what the fuck is this place?

MCCREE: old overwatch secret  
MCCREE: theres more of these places too  
MCCREE: luckily no one found this one except liao and gerard

HANZO: This is nice.

BOB: （・∩・）

ASHE: BOB I swear to God.

MCCREE: I GOT THE FLOWERS

HANZO: You two are really excited about this.

ASHE: You bet we are.  
ASHE: _GET IN THERE, BOB!_

BOB: (O∆O)

MCCREE: WELL BE RIGHT THERE THE WHOLE TIME

BOB: (⊃д⊂)

HANZO: I will call the dragons to assist.

MCCREE: thanks darlin

BOB: ヽ(ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

ASHE: ACCEPT DEFEAT AND GET IN THERE!

MCCREE: BOB I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU DONT GET IN THERE ILL ASK HER OUT FOR YOU MYSELF

BOB: (｀д')ゝ

**[BOB] left subchat [DEADLOCK AND AN ARCHER]**

ASHE: _It's happening._

MCCREE: im definitely gonna cry  
MCCREE: hanzo hold us

HANZO: Am I the only sane one here?

ASHE: Your family was literally the Japanese mafia shut up.

\-----

**[JESSE MCCREE] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

GENJI: where have u three been?

MCCREE: mind your own business

GENJI: no

D.VA: me and grandpa are here with echo

ECHO: We are playing Mario Kart!

ANA: Someones gonna die  
ANA: Reinhardt never loses

REINHARDT: I am always the champion!

76: Why do you think I refused to play?

D.VA: EAT SHIT GRANDPA ITS RAINBOW ROAD

ANA: Jacks favorite

76: Maybe I'll join this round...

ECHO: You can take over for me, Commander!  
ECHO: BOB wanted to talk!

76: Get ready to get wrecked, kids.

D.VA: I AM NOT A CHILD

REINHARDT: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, JACK!  
REINHARDT: Never mind I just saw the track.

D.VA: lol scared grandpa?

REINHARDT: Of what Jack will do to you?  
REINHARDT: Yes.

REAPER: **You're as good as dead.  
**REAPER: **Jack loves this version of Rainbow Road.**

D.VA: it cant be that bad

REINHARDT: Oh, trust me.  
REINHARDT: It's bad.

ASHE: I'm vibrating.

MCCREE: this is the most excitement i felt since my first date with hanzo

SYMMETRA: Why does BOB have flowers?

MCCREE: just watch

D.VA: FUCK YOU AND YOUR GREEN SHELLS

76: _GG MOTHERFUCKERS!_

REAPER: **This must be humiliating for you.**

D.VA: THERES NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT WORKED  
D.VA: FUCK OFF I JUST GOT THE LEAD!

76: GET OUT OF MY WAY OR I'LL RUN YOU OVER!

REAPER: **She's a child, Jack.**

D.VA: OMG CALL ME A CHILD AGAIN

REAPER: **Child.**

D.VA: KUASJFNAKSJNFAILKJESAFFASD

ASHE: BOB JUST ASK HER ALREADY!

BOB: ...

ECHO: I'd love to!

MCCREE: YES

ASHE: JESSE YOU'RE CRUSHING MY LUNGS!

BOB: (╹◡╹)ﾉ✿

ECHO: (◕‿◕)  
ECHO: (◕‿◕✿)

ASHE: I'm actually crying...  
ASHE: Dammit, BOB...

MCCREE: awww she added a flower!

HANZO: That was... cute.

WINSTON: What just happened?

MCCREE: are you blind?  
MCCREE: bob asked echo out

BOB: (* >ω<)

D.VA: NO!

76: GET WRECKED!

D.VA: HOW?!

REINHARDT: I'm glad I backed out of this one.

D.VA: HOW DID YOU BEAT ME?!

76: I AM THE RAINBOW ROAD CHAMPION!

D.VA: BULLSHIT I WANT A REMATCH

76: Later.  
76: I actually have a mission.

D.VA: LIAR

WINSTON: Jack does have a mission, Hana.

D.VA: DAMMIT

**[SOLDIER: 76] left chatroom [CHIPS AND DICK]**

GENJI: why tf are u crying jesse?

MCCREE: _theyre so cute together_

ASHE: Seconded.

GENJI: when did echo get flowers?

MCCREE: genji are you fucking stupid?

GENJI: jurys out

HANZO: The jury decided a long time ago.

GENJI: wow ok

D.VA: get shit on genji

GENJI: shut up jack beat you in mario kart

D.VA: I DONT KNOW HOW AND ITS PISSING ME OFF

SOMBRA: well he didnt cheat thats for sure

D.VA: THEN HOW?!

SOMBRA: maybe he really is good


	9. walmart aisle 7

**[WINSTON] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

**[SYMMETRA] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

WINSTON: The base is unnaturally quiet.  
WINSTON: Where is everyone?

MEI: Most of them went to Walmart, others went to Ikea.  
MEI: I have no idea why.  
MEI: But the only good thing is we haven't gotten any calls to bail someone out of jail.

SYMMETRA: Do you know where Lucio went?

MEI: I overheard him say Walmart for new roller blades but I could be completely wrong.

76: Wasn't there supposed to be a mission today?

WINSTON: There was.  
WINSTON: I'm assuming everyone on the missions ditched to go to shopping.

76: ...

WINSTON: Jack...  
WINSTON: Where are you?

76: Nowhere don't worry about it.

WINSTON: That's worrying...

**[D.VA] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

**[LUCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

**[LENA "TRACER" OXTON] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

D.VA: i still dont see why you cant just order new roller blades  
D.VA: arent they better when you order online?

LUCIO: not usually  
LUCIO: besides these are collectors edition and i need them

TRACER: you have a collection of roller blades?

LUCIO: yeah? so?  
LUCIO: i see your collection of rainbow dash figures

D.VA: lmao what

TRACER: what collection?  
TRACER: i dont see a collection

LUCIO: im not buying that put it back

TRACER: thats fine ill buy it myself

D.VA: HOLY SHIT IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS  
D.VA: LUCIO DROP EVERYTHING AND COME HERE

LUCIO: OH MY GOD  
LUCIO: PUT IT IN THE FUCKING CART WERE BUYING IT

TRACER: what even is it

D.VA: ITS FUCKING LEGOS LENA JFC

**[REAPER] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

REAPER: **Where's Jack.**

LUCIO: he cartsurfing with ana

REAPER: **...**  
REAPER: **What?**

LUCIO: did i stutter

REAPER: **Where are they now?**

LUCIO: i think theyre still by the car parts and sporting equipment

**[ANA AMARI] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

ANA: GET BACK HERE U FUCKING CHEATER

76: STOP TRYING TO SLEEP DART ME!

ANA: NOT UNTIL U STOP FUCKING CHEATING 

76: ALL I'M DOING IS RUNNING HOW AM I CHEATING?

ANA: U FUCKING SPRINT U BITCH

REAPER: **What the fuck are you two doing?**

ANA: I challenged this bitch to cartsurfing and hes fucking cheating

76: Sprinting is one of my _skills _Ana, sorry you don't have it.

REAPER: **Both of you shut up.**

ANA: Who let edgelord in?

76: I sure as hell didn't.

REAPER: **Fuck you too, Jack.**

REINHARDT: We have to do that again now, Gabe, thanks.

REAPER: **Actually, I need Jack.**

76: What for? We went shopping last week.

REAPER: **We need a new mattress.**

76: No we don't. You just want to jump on them.

D.VA: OMG REALLY  
D.VA: ALL WEVE HEARD ABOUT YOU IS YOURE THIS SUPER EDGELORD AND YOU GO TO A MATTRESS FIRM JUST TO JUMP ON THE MATTRESSES?

REAPER: **Shut up.**

TRACER: its fun!  
TRACER: didnt we buy that one place out because gabe wouldnt leave?

MCCREE: we spent the whole night there  
MCCREE: worst night ever

REAPER: **It really wasn't.**

MERCY: You weren't one of the ones trying to get Gerard to stop choking Liao with the Twister mat.  
MERCY: I do recall you saying, "They're Overwatch agents, so it's Overwatch's problem".

REAPER: **It was true, though.**

GENJI: LMAO RIGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

MCCREE: where did we even get a twister mat that night

TRACER: oh i snuck out to walmart and brought stuff back

MCCREE: thats right you did

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

**[ASHE] entered chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

HANZO: Jesse, where are you?

MCCREE: kitchen section white hat

ASHE: Got him.  
ASHE: Huh, it's a nice kitchen.

MCCREE: aint it?  
MCCREE: hanzo?

HANZO: ...It's alright.

MCCREE: dammit

D.VA: what are you three even doing?

MCCREE: what does it fucking look like hana

ASHE: I'm picking the entire apartment, you two have no taste.

GENJI: they cant have any taste if theyre dating each other  
GENJI: also what apartment

D.VA: yeah

MCCREE: an apartment away from this insane asylum

TRACER: were not _that _bad

ASHE: Yeah ya are.

MCCREE: mostly lena a little bit of genji

TRACER: :(

GENJI: fuck u

D.VA: are you taking becho with you?

MCCREE: whats a becho

D.VA: bob x echo

ASHE: Alright that's cute, and also yes.  
ASHE: They bought the apartment next to ours.

76: So you're finally moving out?

MCCREE: really  
MCCREE: telling you i got a boyfriend doesnt move you but moving out of the base does?

76: I'm a complicated man.

WINSTON: Jesse, will you still be able to go on missions from this apartment?

MCCREE: it aint that far  
MCCREE: maybe like an hour or two

LUCIO: OH SHIT GUYS RUN

D.VA: WHAT WHY

LUCIO: FEDS

MCCREE: oh shit

ASHE: In fucking Walmart?  
ASHE: The hell are they doing?

LUCIO: TRYING TO STOP ME FROM GETTING MY ROLLER BLADES  
LUCIO: TAKE MY MONEY BITCH I GOTTA BLAST

D.VA: LMAO YOU REALLY JUST THREW IT AT HER  
D.VA: DID YOU PAY FOR EVERYTHING THOUGH?

LUCIO: I GAVE THEM 300 BUCKS WERE GOOD

TRACER: HURRY HANA THAT GUYS ABOUT TO GET YOU

D.VA: SORRY IM NOT SPEEDY FAST LIKE YOU GUYS

WINSTON: I swear to God if any of you get caught...

76: SON OF A BITCH I SAID GET OUT OF MY WAY!

REAPER: **JACK, STOP PUNCHING THE FEDS!**

ANA: HOLY SHIT

REINHARDT: Let us escape swiftly while they struggle to get back up!

76: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FUCKING COPS IN WALMART?

REAPER: **WE'RE WANTED, JACK!**

ANA: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND RUN

REINHARDT: TO THE CARTS!  
REINHARDT: Oh hey there's Hana, Lucio and Lena.  
REINHARDT: HELLO!

TRACER: HI WERE RUNNING NOW  
TRACER: GET IN LUVS

LUCIO: YOU ROCK LENA

D.VA: REAL MVP

**[WINSTON] left chatroom [THEY'VE COME TO STEAL MY EYES]**

76: GET IN GABE.

REAPER: **WHY ME?**

76: I CAN SPRINT, YOU CAN'T!

ANA: DONT BE A PUSSY GABE JUST GET IN THE FUCKING CART  
ANA: MOVE FASTER REINHARDT

REINHARDT: THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!

LUCIO: LMAO

D.VA: _HOLD ON TO THE BAGS!_

ANA: JUST FUCKING RUN

REAPER: **WHY ARE THEY SHOOTING AT US?**

ANA: BC YOURE A GODDAMN TERRORIST GABE

REAPER: **FUCK!**

LUCIO: THERES THE VAN

SOMBRA: what the fuck is going on

MCCREE: it looks like were going to be bailing 7 members out of jail

HANZO: How has no one recognized you yet?

MCCREE: hat

HANZO: But... it's just a hat...

MCCREE: idk then

LUCIO: AND WERE BACK

SYMMETRA: I have no words. My words have failed me.

LUCIO: sorry saty  
LUCIO: i got that tea you wanted

SYMMETRA: ...  
SYMMETRA: Forgiven.

REAPER: **Could you be a little more gentle?**  
REAPER: **You practically shoved me into that thing.**

76: One, phrasing and two, we had to get the fuck out of there.  
76: Do you know what it's like in jail? I sure as hell don't want to know.

REAPER: **...Fine.**

SOMBRA: why cant talon do anything like that?

REAPER: **Be my guest and enjoy getting shot on sight.**

SOMBRA: ill pass

ASHE: What in the goddamn fuck even is Overwatch?

D.VA: a masterpiece

ASHE: I beg to differ.


End file.
